Today I’m mourning…self confidence.

There are so many intimidating things about becoming a parent. If I’m being honest, I was terrified to have this baby because I didn’t want to ‘screw up’ a kid by being a bad mom. I think that insecurity led to a lot of my post partum anxiety. I like to do things right, I don’t like to disappoint or let people down, I like to have all the information and know what to expect of a situation, and I like to have a plan. These things aren’t always possible in parenthood and it took some getting used to. So in the spirit of full disclosure, I’m sharing a few of the things that scared me most in my journey of becoming a mom so that if you, like me, are having all the feels about this whole parenting thing, you know you’re not alone.

FEAR: Not having that special bond with my baby

I always heard about this immediate mother/child bond, and as much as I was nervous about it, I was excited for it. I am so happy for the people that this happens for…but it wasn’t my experience. Maybe it was being exhausted, living in survival mode and not able to process life thoroughly, maybe my post partum anxiety kicked in and I was having a hard time adjusting, or maybe it was just that I needed time, but it took awhile before I started to feel a real bond with my baby. I’m talking months. Please don’t get the wrong idea, of course I loved this baby from day one, but it wasn’t until he was 8 or 9 months old that I really started to feel like we had that special mama/baby connection (ironically enough, that’s around the same time I started therapy). Teaching them, playing with them, feeding them, caring for them, it’s all consuming. Overwhelmingly so. It is SO hard dedicating all your time, energy, and self, physical, mental and emotional, to someone that isn’t capable of showing you gratitude. When my little guy started being able to show a little more emotion, and we’ve discovered he has a lot of it to show, I started feeling more connected to him. His small indications and little responses to me gave me a renewed sense of confidence in being his mama. I wasn’t just keeping this little human alive, but we started to thrive, and that was a magical feeling. I think it’s important to know that it happens for all of us on a different timeline. I always enjoyed being his mom, we just needed a little extra time to form that special bond on a deeper level, and that’s ok, because it’s what worked for us.

FEAR: Making the same mistakes my parents made

I recently saw the quote, “As a child, I forgive you. But as a parent, I never will.” My biggest fear in becoming a mom was (and perhaps continues to be) having the same kind of strained relationship that my mom and I had…have. Now let me be very clear, I had a really good childhood. I grew up in a nice house, went to a great school, got to participate in pretty much any activity or sport I chose, I was all in all very fortunate. But in hindsight, that doesn’t make up for the emotional trauma. Unfortunately, there are a lot of things I learned from my mother about how not to be a mom. She loved her kids, no doubt, but when relationships of any kind become negative and toxic and one sided, there comes a point when they no longer serve you. The relationship I had with my own mother made me scared to become a mom myself. My connotation of the title ‘mom’ has been a very negative one for the majority of my life, and is something that I’ve contemplated and worked very hard over the last year to change. It was important for me to realize that I’m not my mother, and I can choose to do things differently than she did. Through therapy and with the love and support of friends and family, I’ve become more confident in who I am as a person and as a mom, and changing my focus to prioritize my own little family has made all the difference. My kid comes first, always will. He will always know unconditional love, no matter what. I have the ability and responsibility to teach him better, and I will rise to that occasion. So I’ll leave you with this – it’s the ones who worry about being a good mom that are the good ones. The ones who don’t care, don’t wonder if they are. So if you’re wondering….you’re a good mom.

FEAR: Losing myself

Once I got pregnant, I kept finding myself thinking ‘what will my life look like now?’ As I’ve mentioned before, I was always an advocate for not letting ‘mom’ become my whole identity. What I haven’t talked about, is that I didn’t always have the intention of becoming a mom. There was a time when I looked at my future, and my goals and ambitions didn’t include having a baby. I am eternally grateful that that trajectory changed, but as I hadn’t spent much time envisioning that future for myself, I wasn’t entirely prepared for it (not that I think you can really be prepared no matter how badly you aspire to become a mom). Finding my way back to myself has been a process. One I have continued and will continue to work on, but the biggest thing for me in making this happen was a change in perspective. This is a season. It’s not a season of losing myself, but a season of opportunity. Opportunity to rediscover myself in this new chapter of my life, and that’s a really exciting thing. [Read more about my rediscovery journey here.]

Even before, but especially after becoming a parent, I understand that there is no such thing as perfection when it comes to this job, only opportunity. Opportunity to conquer my own fears, to contribute to raising a better next generation, to grow as a person myself, to foster love and kindness. If it’s the only thing I ever succeed at, I am resolved to give my child a mother’s UNCONDITIONAL love. Of course I’ll make mistakes, but those are teaching opportunities. Of course I’ll still be scared, overcoming the fears of parenthood will be an ongoing battle, but it’s one I’m willing to fight. I’m armed with the best husband I could ever ask for, my village, my therapist, and my community of moms. I’m all set.

Cheers ☕️

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