Today I’m mourning…the days I felt like I could keep my emotions in check.

I knew I had post partum anxiety (PPA) pretty early on. Around 4-5 weeks if I had to guess. Honestly, there’s a lot about those early weeks that are a blur. And even though I might have known, it wasn’t something I ever said out loud, or even admitted to myself for awhile. It was such a new phenomenon for me since I had never experienced any serious mental health situations of my own pre baby, but there were a few milestone ‘breakdowns’ in my 4th trimester that pushed me to the point of accepting that I needed to do something different if I was going to make it through with my sanity intact. Enter therapy.

Now, I understand that it doesn’t work the same for everyone, and that PPA and/or PPD (post partum depression) can develop for any parent regardless, no significant experiences or events necessary. But I think that if I’ve learned anything that I’d like to convey to anyone reading this, it’s that no matter why or how you get there, if you’re feeling like you need it – it is always ok to ask for help. A friend, a neighbor, a family member, a therapist, whoever it is, and however it will help you, ASK. I completely get that it’s mildly hypocritical of me to give this advice because this was such a hard thing for me to do, but what is the point of learning something if we can’t pass on the knowledge, am I right? I always felt like it would make me a bad mom to admit I needed help, but that is just not the case. Whether you have experienced the same things as me, or have lived through something different, all your feelings are valid. I’m sharing my personal experiences so that anyone who’s struggling with anything similar will know that they’re not alone.

PPA Turning Point #1 : 6 week post partum appointment – Babies cry, I totally get it. Moms’ emotions run high, I totally get that too. Having an inconsolable baby, just for a period of time, had the weight of the world on my mama shoulders, and the amount of tears I shed in the second month of my baby’s life was most definitely an indication of something more serious. Suffering a full on panic attack while I was in an appointment at my OB/GYN that I couldn’t leave was hands down one of the worst experiences. Coming home (on any occasion) to a screaming and crying child triggered something in me, I could feel my anxiety skyrocket. I know a lot of moms feel this way when they hear their baby cry, it’s biological. Feeling like I couldn’t do things like take a shower, leave the house to run errands, or do anything for myself because I was SO worried that my baby would be in distress and upset the whole time was such an awful feeling. Watching my husband become increasingly frustrated over that same inconsolable baby wasn’t any better. Then I wasn’t just seeing one, but two people I love in a situation where I wanted nothing more than for both of them to be contented, and feeling like I couldn’t do anything to help. The internal battle of wanting to give space and let them work it out, but also wanting to do anything in my power to make everything ok, wasn’t an easy thing for me. We make light of it now, but the trauma of “week 6” (as we call it, though this phase lasted more than just a week) was real. And I don’t know who needs to hear this, but props to parents that go through, or are going through a season of having any degree of a colic baby, whether it’s a day, a week, a month, or more, you are doing amazing and that baby loves you.

PPA Turning Point #2 : Car rides – This was more of a series of small anxiety attacks that happened over the course of months. Initially, my baby loved car rides, fell right asleep and it wasn’t a problem. As he grew more aware, that’s when it started getting difficult. Every time we were in the car, someone would have to sit in the back and entertain the little guy so he wasn’t crying the whole time. Pacifier, toys, peekaboo, literally anything to keep him distracted and sometimes that wasn’t even enough to keep him from fussing. Anytime I had to drive by myself with him in the car, it was only a matter of time before the crying started and sometimes it was bad enough that my mama heart couldn’t take it so I would pull over, take him out of the carseat, and soothe him before trying again. This made it seem impossible to do anything but stay at home unless I had someone else with me. I started to feel trapped and anxious about the prospect of going anywhere because my only options were to stay home with him, or endure the heartbreaking tantrum of my child while trying to get us someplace. I will say, this has gotten better over time and we’re in a good place now, but it was a phase that lasted longer than I would have preferred.

PPA Turning Point #3 : Won’t go down easy (sleep training) – Reflecting on this is also kind of ironic because overall I do have a baby that sleeps very well. He started sleeping 8 hours through the night at 8 weeks, and was doing 10-12 hours over night by month 3 (super lucky, I know). He does great most nights now, but there was a long stint of him being impossible to put to sleep without crying and having to console and soothe him for the better part of an hour, in addition to many occasions where we’ve gone through our fair share of sleep trials beyond what sleep regressions call for (at least in my opinion). That being said, I am no expert and I’ve only ever had one baby, so I guess I don’t really know. But something I do know is that I am not a ‘cry it out’ mom. I cannot and will not use that method to sleep train my baby. If this has worked for you, I love it, that is so fantastic, but the first night that I sat there listening to my baby ‘cry it out’ for 10 minutes (because that’s literally all I could take) and all the subsequent nights that I tried this method, I was crying right along with him. I have since decided that I don’t much care about what everyone else thinks the “right” way is, I do not deserve to be that miserable, and regardless of all the advice on how to sleep train, I will more than happily do it the way that works for me and my baby that doesn’t incite misery and tears on a nightly basis.

PPA Turning Point #4 : Mom trauma (*disclaimer* sharp emotional turn ahead) – Moms need the support of other moms. Veteran moms, new moms, grand moms, their own moms. In the season of me becoming a mom myself, my own mother decided she didn’t want a relationship with me, my child, or my family. I haven’t had a fantastic relationship with her over the last several years as it was, but there were some circumstances surrounding the birth of my child that escalated to a point where she made it clear to me that she didn’t want to be a part of any of it, and cut off communication. I’m not saying that it would have been an easier pill to swallow if it had happened at any other point in my life, but there was something about being ‘abandoned’ by my own mother while becoming a mom myself that altered my brain chemistry. The anxiety attack that came as the final hit before I sought out help, happened in the car on the way home one day trying to process this, when I went into pure panic mode and couldn’t get a handle on myself, physically or mentally. I called my husband who was out of town at a work conference and realized in that moment that I needed a way to be able to help myself without relying on him to talk me off the ledge. I felt, and have continued to feel many things around this situation with my mother, but the two feelings that have stood out the most are anger at her for making this choice, and the fear of something similar becoming my fate as a mom. I will never pretend to understand why my mother made such an unfortunate decision, and though I speculate that it has a lot to do with her own struggles with mental health, I have to keep in mind that she is not my responsibility. A lot of reflection and discussion over the past few months have made me realize that I have the ability and power to make different choices for myself.

Getting to the point of taking that first step to prioritize my own mental health was a bumpy road. Looking back, I thought that asking for help meant that I had failed. Coming to the realization that taking care of myself IS taking care of my family, and doing the things I need to do to make sure that I can be the best version of me, for them, was a big step. I have no shame in it, and will continue to do anything I need to do in order to make sure that I am the absolute best mom and wife and friend and person I can be, because that is my responsibility. And to anyone who might be enduring their own struggles, I can guarantee that you won’t regret taking that step.

A little reminder…a good mom takes care of herself too. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You matter and will be a better version of yourself if you take care of you.

Cheers ☕️