Today I’m mourning…never being pregnant again.

Based on my own experience, I’d give being pregnant a 1/10. The 1 coming solely from the fact that I am proud of my body for growing and delivering a little human. Other than that, I can’t say that I would choose to go through it again. I can hear all the “but it gave you the best gift ever” sentiments, but I was truly miserable through the majority of my pregnancy, I wouldn’t wish what I felt on anyone. I also get the “but don’t you want to give your baby a sibling” questions and yes, I would love to do that, and I do feel immensely guilty about not giving my baby a sibling a lot of the time. But I’ve made peace with it, and I’ll explain why.

The most significant part of my pregnancy mourning is having been diagnosed with Cholestasis of Pregnancy. Now, if you’re not familiar with this, it’s a complication where elevated levels of bile acids in mom’s blood can potentially stress baby’s liver and may lead to fetal distress, where baby isn’t getting enough oxygen. This increases the risk of preterm birth, meconium in the amniotic fluid (which can lead to breathing problems), and potentially stillbirth. It increases the risk of preeclampsia and hemorrhaging in mom, as well as typically inducing gestational diabetes. The recurrence rate of Cholestasis in any subsequent pregnancies is 60-90%, it generally comes on earlier, and the risks are generally higher. Some of the symptoms of this complication include nausea, fatigue, abdominal pain, and itching. I know a lot of those are pretty normal symptoms for pregnancy in general, but the itching, not so much. I itched EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME. There was no reprieve, I couldn’t sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time, I scratched until I was bruised and bleeding, and it nearly broke me mentally while I tried to endure the last two weeks of my pregnancy trying to carry my baby for as long as I could before I was strongly encouraged to deliver (via scheduled c-section) for the safety of the baby as well as my own. I’m convinced that these two weeks made it abundantly clear to me that a mom would do nearly anything and make any sacrifice of their own well being for their child.

Knowing that this condition has a high percentage of recurrance in subsequent pregnancies left my husband and I to have the conversation of whether we’d ever want to risk the consequences of a secondary pregnancy. Ultimately, the answer is no. We are so happy to have conceived and birthed our baby boy, there is no question that we’d want to risk the potential of him growing up without a mom in order to try and provide him with a sibling. Our family feels complete, and though I do occasionally feel a lot of guilt around making this decision, the logic wins out every time I think about it.

Looking back, I have many different feelings about my pregnancy. It may be trivial, but I loved pregnancy fashion, I missed my coffee, I hated being nauseas, and I enjoyed my cravings. But mostly, I loved being able to grow and nurture a life, and I was lucky to be able to do so. I know that there are a lot of women and couples that want nothing more than to be pregnant or conceive a child, so it does feel really crappy for me to be complaining about it. If you have experienced trials or loss in becoming pregnant, I’m not here to tell you it’s ok, because I know it doesn’t feel like it is. I can’t imagine what you have gone or are going through, but I am here to fight with you and for you, as is this community of mamas, to make sure that you’re okay and know that you don’t have to go it alone. That being said, just because I feel the way I do about my pregnancy, does not make me any less grateful for the outcome. I love my baby boy more than life itself, and as cliché as it might be, he is the greatest gift I’ve ever received.

As a general recap…

Things I hated:

• Nausea & food aversion
  • Couldn’t stomach fish or chicken to save my life.
  • Anyone in need of a remedy for some pregnancy nausea (or just nausea in general) needs to try these Preggie Pop Drops, STAT.
• Risk anxiety
  • I absolutely tracked my ovulation cycle, and took 4 pregnancy tests before calling to schedule my first OB sono. Clearblue digital test FTW.
  • If you’re interested, I used these Easy@Home ovulation and pregnancy test strips along with tracking in the Premom app.
  • For those that like to read I really enjoyed the book Expecting Better by Emily Oster as an informational guide.
• Physical discomfort & changes
  • I did not like when my jeans started to not fit. I used this Belly band for when I wanted to wear jeans, but mostly lived in these maternity leggings.
  • Having a pinched sciatic nerve was one of the worst pains I have ever felt. I used this heating pad for targeting areas that needed a little extra love.
• Insomnia
  • It happens, you can’t help it. I very much enjoyed my pregnancy pillow, though my swear my dog was jealous.
• Cholestasis
  • This just sucked. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. No remedy for this, just know you’re strong for going through what you’re going through, mama.

Things I loved:

• Pregnancy Outfits
  • Overalls are the jam, even in the hospital. My favorite pair were these, I got them in multiple colors.
  • Shorts overalls also were fantastic. Loved these.
  • Elevated maternity fashion anyone? Pencil skirts, yes please. Loved this one & this one.
  • Most comfortable pants EVER. Still wear them post pregnancy.
  • Looking for a cute shower outfit? I loved this dress & this one.
  • Find a reel of all my pregnancy outfits & more fun stuff on my IG.
• Cravings
  • For me it was Cinnabon cinnamon rolls, any version of a potato (baked, french fry, mashed, chips, you name it, I wanted it). Couldn’t get enough.
  • Thrived on red meat. Still do, as does my child.
• Sonograms
  • I know you hear it a lot, but there’s just something about seeing the little hands and feet and nose that’s forming inside you that’s just so surreal. I loved getting to ‘meet’ my little guy each time, it always made me look forward more and more to meeting him Earth side.
• Growing a human
  • I’m utterly impressed with the human body and what it can do. Mamas are super heroes, no doubt about it. What our bodies go through is no small feat.

Cheers ☕️

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