Today I’m mourning…the old me.

Being a mom has been the most humbling job I have ever had. It has pushed my limits of patience, exhaustion, emotional capacity and physical strength. And I’m not proud of how I’ve handled all of it. I think the most frustrating part is that I do feel like I’m doing my best, and it’s so defeating when my best is less than what I expect it to be.

Honestly, nothing prepares you for being a first time parent. No amount of preparation, research, or advice can truly encompass what it is to have a baby and everything that comes with it. I don’t say that to scare anyone or to try to convince them not to have kids, I only state it as an opinion that I have developed over this last year. If I’d have heard more often that you shouldn’t have so many expectations and should try your best to be adaptable, I like to think that maybe my stress and anxiety levels wouldn’t have been (or continue to be) as high. But after all the classes, and reading all the literature, with all the ‘rules’ and ‘milestones’, I definitely had it in my head that if my baby wasn’t doing all the “right” things that it was a reflection of me failing as a mom.

Over the course of the last year I’ve felt like I’ve failed at a lot of things. And that feeling of failure is supplemented with feelings of guilt, so much mom guilt. My mamas know what I mean. Failing at understanding what my baby needs, why he’s fussing, failing at sleep training, at feeding him the right foods, at teaching him the right things, the list goes on and on. Then add in that there are times I feel like I’m failing at helping provide for my family, because why couldn’t I work a full or a part time job and take care of my kid? Why can’t I be more on top of meal planning, and grocery shopping, and keeping the house clean? Before being a mom, the only person I was responsible for was myself, and occasionally my husband (iykyk). It’s so different when there’s someone that relies on you for everything 24/7. It seems like the whole of my brain capacity is dedicated to feedings, meals, diaper changes, nap schedules, and kid entertainment, and there’s nothing left for anything else. I have enjoyed some of this, of course, it’s been so fun to be around, and the feeling of watching my baby learn a new skill that I helped him learn is such a great feeling. But the expense is that I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the way, that I don’t have my own purpose (or life sometimes, really) and that’s a heavy weight to bear.

So the two things that I’ve learned, and am still working on telling myself, are:

• This is just a season.

Who we are is ever changing and I don’t have to be the same person forever. I’ve done a lot of changing in my life already and there’s no reason why I can’t continue to grow into a better version of myself, as a mom, as a wife, and as a person. There’s something about realizing this that makes the harder times a little easier. There will be a time that I will have the opportunity to pursue new dreams, where I’ll have time to myself to shower or work out, when I’ll be able to go out to eat with friends. I don’t have to enjoy every little moment of the here and now, but I can appreciate it. Continuing to do my best and be there for whatever my child needs me for, now, is the ultimate goal.

• Give myself grace.

I have moments of impatience, of feeling touched out, of feeling selfish for wanting time to myself. It’s these moments that I reflect on and try to grant myself some grace. No one is perfect, I am far from it, and we are allowed to make mistakes and be human. But this is when it’s so important to refocus and take a look at all we’ve done right. My baby is SO loved. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. I have spent his whole life (and longer), and will continue for the rest of mine, to give him the best childhood and make sure I set him up for the most successful life he can have.

So while I might not be the person I was before I was a mama (she had a little less anxiety and little more muscle tone), I’m damn proud of who I am. And I’m looking forward to who I become. Being a mom has changed my life, and in all the good ways. This little boy has already taught me so many life lessons and shown me the greatest love. I’d be remiss to not share that person with the world.

Cheers ☕️

Want more Mama Mournings? Follow me on Instagram.