Today I’m mourning…not being able to breastfeed.

The very first thing I want to say about this is that I had no idea that so many people were so invested in the way someone else feeds their baby, and how they feel like it’s their business. Let me be clear, it’s not. The only thing that anyone’s (unsolicited) opinion did for me, was make me feel bad, and that is the last thing a new mama needs. One of the strongest things my mom guilt kicked in about was being able to breastfeed my child. I was hard enough on myself (as I’m sure other moms are too), the only thing I really needed from anyone, and what any new mama needs, is support.

If you read my birth story, then you know that my baby spent the first 6 days of his life in the NICU. Because of that, I didn’t have constant access to him to be able to establish the ability to breastfeed right away. Even when I was able to see him, because he was on a ventilator and a feeding tube, breastfeeding wasn’t possible for those first few days. Once he was off the ventilator, the feeding tube remained to make sure he was nourished, so the feedings I tried to do didn’t count toward his calories, and they had to make sure he was gaining weight before they would even consider releasing him. I would have done anything I needed to do to get him released and home with us as soon as possible. So when they gave us the option of bottle feeding to record intake, of course we did. Despite wanting to do anything in our power to get our little guy home, I always had in the back of my mind the pressure of the ‘breast is best’ and ‘benefits of breastmilk outweigh formula’ mentality. So I tried and kept trying.

The first hours and days of pumping to bring in my milk supply were some of the most stressful I’ve ever experienced. Three lactation consultants, bruises, inflammation, lots of pain and tears, and my supply finally started coming in. But even in the first week being in the hospital and collecting all the breastmilk we could, it was apparent that if my supply didn’t increase, I wasn’t producing enough. The week we brought our son home my supply increased immensely. I took it as a sign that it was meant to be, and I could do this. But because he’d been on a feeding tube and used to a bottle, we had trouble latching, he couldn’t adjust to the flow, and it just wasn’t working. We found that it worked better for us to have me pump, store the milk, and fill bottles as we needed them. It was easier to track intake, my husband or anyone else could do a feeding, and our little guy was still getting all the benefits of breastmilk. Win, win, win….right?

Sure it was, for awhile. Eventually, my husband went back to work, we didn’t have family in town helping out anymore, and I was exclusively pumping on top of caring for a newborn. To those who don’t know, this might not seem like a big deal, but pumping for ~20 minutes 6-8 times a day while also trying to take care of a child is exhausting. Physically, mentally, emotionally, it’s exhausting, not to mention the postpartum hormones. The more months that passed, the harder it got, but I always had another excuse as to why I couldn’t stop. ‘We’re coming into sick season, and he needs the antibodies’, ‘this is a crucial stage of development and he needs the nutrients’, ‘I’m producing a lot and it would be selfish of me to not provide for my child’. Even though I knew it would be easier to switch to formula, I was dead set on continuing to pump. It was only when my body told me that it was done did I start to listen.

Looking back, I don’t think I would choose to do anything different if I had it to do all over again. But I have learned that I shouldn’t have taken what other people thought so much to heart. I cared a lot about their opinions, watching for judging eyes when I would pull out a bottle for a feeding in a public place, waiting for someone to make a comment. I would even place blame on things that had been completely out of my control, like being upset that he’d gone into the NICU in the first place. Even though that was critical to saving his life, I would feel guilty like there was something I could have done differently to avoid all of it (that is so far from the truth – medically things went just about as well as they could, considering the circumstances). Hindsight is 20/20, and the advice I pass on to my new mom friends in regards to this topic is that they should do what feels right to them and what works for their family. I know wanting to be able to breastfeed is a natural desire, and for those of us that want to and can’t, nothing I say will ease any of the mom guilt, we have to navigate that on our own. But there is no shame, I’ll say it again for those that need to hear it, there is no shame in how we feed our babies. By breastfeeding, pumping, or formula, they are nourished, growing, and developing, but most importantly they are loved and they are cared for. And so are you, mama, because they love you right back no matter what.

*Special shoutout to the most amazing hubby that was dubbed the “milk master” while we were in the hospital – he was constantly washing pump parts, making sure I was up to pump, and keeping nurses out to let me sleep.*

Cheers ☕️

Some of my pumping essentials:

• Spectra pump
  • having extra pump parts and different sizes was key
• Willow portable pumps
  • loved these for hands free pumping
• Soothing gel pads
  • good for hot and cold!
• All the milk storage bags
• Bottle washer
  • love this thing, still use it
  • extra cleaning tablets
  • descaling tablets

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